Backburner

He comes home for lunch at 11:05, shoulders stooped from the weight of Language Arts and Algebra I. Last night's pizza is pulled from the oven and set on the table.

“When are you going to buy milk?” he asks, instead of saying thank you.

This is how he lets me know he needs something. Not, we're out of milk or I drank the last of it this morning, but when. When will I replace the milk I didn't know was out, the shoes I didn't know were outgrown. When will he get his license, a car, a haircut.

Today Is Another Flaming Pile Of Shit (And That's Okay)

Yesterday was a tough, busy day filled with all sorts of exciting and not-so-exciting things and I was feeling it keenly. By the time Ian got home from work I was nearly incoherent with exhaustion so he sent me to rest while he made noodles to go with the experimental dinner I threw together. (Verdict: I'll make it again.)

So This Is Depression

Oh man, I wish it was just sadness.

I mean, there is sadness, but it's not just sadness. It is ache, but it's not just ache. It is restlessness and anxiousness and lack of appetite and fatigue and pain. Everywhere, everything, pain.

It just hurts right now, to be awake. It feels like sickness. Like influenza, only not.

I have no fever, no cough, no running nose. No mucous to expel as a sign of my sickness. No proof of what's going on inside of me.

It's a quote we see all the time, often when someone is trying to absolve themselves of being an asshole:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Okay, so that's not exactly true. I just said that because I loathe this quote. You caught me.

Brain Dump

The thing is, people abandon us whether they want to or not. And we're going to abandon everyone we've ever loved. We all die. And we're all get left behind. It's just the way it goes.

You just have to accept it.

Well maybe other people accept it. I've read their fucking blogs. I know they thank God and give their burdens to God and talk to God as if he's listening.

And they find, at least, a little bit of comfort.

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