I Already Know (On Saying I Love You)

I am so incredibly in love with my husband.

I tell him I hate him sometimes, often in fact, in the same lighthearted way I say I hate everything, or the cat, or even the yoga pants that have become my haphazard uniform. He fires off a pun or any number of otherwise terrible Dad jokes and I groan I hate you in response* though both of us know I could never actually mean it.

Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary so we sat in the living room completely alone, except for the cat who doesn't care about these kinds of things anyway.

"Well, now what?" we asked conspiratorially. Of each other, not the cat.

We hadn't made any plans for the day. No big date, no agenda. Just a few hours of no kids and no work, and nothing else but saying YAY MARRIAGE to accomplish.

Day In The Life (With A Side Of Anxiety)

I turn the key in the ignition and grip the steering wheel; ten-and-two, as always. I breathe. No, I heave. Sigh. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

I relax.
Well, I try anyway.

I remind myself that this is a tight little spiral. Anxiety. Nothing is actually wrong. I haven't forgotten anything. Nobody is injured. I am just picking up my daughter from school, as usual. I am pulling away from the curb as usual. It is all okay.

In just a few minutes, Jonas will barge through the door, looking for the lunch I make for him most school days. Today we're having gravy-rice, perfect Jonas food. Though today, there may not be any such thing as perfect food for my son.

He's having a tough time this week; it's the end of the third quarter at school and he's flailing again. He's stressed and overwhelmed and just plain tired of having to function in high school. Remembering high school, I can't say that I blame him. But still, I have to nudge and push and force, if I have to.

Last week Ian was helping me get Iliana into the car and I stopped in the parking strip.

"What's this junk on the car?" I asked him, even though I was the only one looking at it. He was still on the porch.

"Somebody put dirt on our car," I told him.
"Jonas?" he asked.
"I doubt it," I answered. "This looks too...on purpose."

And it did. There was a little, almost perfect mound of...stuff...on my car that looked like nothing either of my children would hold still enough to apply.

Today Is Another Flaming Pile Of Shit (And That's Okay)

Yesterday was a tough, busy day filled with all sorts of exciting and not-so-exciting things and I was feeling it keenly. By the time Ian got home from work I was nearly incoherent with exhaustion so he sent me to rest while he made noodles to go with the experimental dinner I threw together. (Verdict: I'll make it again.)

On Candy Hearts and Birthday Parties

Today Iliana's preschool class is having their very cute, very exciting, Valentine's Day party. Thirty-five Fruit Roll-Up Valentines with Iliana's name on them are tucked into a little paper tote bag and hung up in her cubby. She is wearing the darling heart print dress that Nunu got her for Christmas, complete with heart print leggings and pigtails to make her look like OMG the cutest kid who ever kidded.

This Is The Life I Am Supposed To Be Living

The end of last month was Christopher Robin's due date. Well, the fifth anniversary of Christopher Robin's due date, but you know what I mean. It was an anniversary that popped up on the calendar and I checked in with myself to make sure I was okay.

I was okay.

I mean, I wasn't excited about it or anything, of course, but I was okay. For reals this time. It came and went with me privately acknowledging the gravity of this missing space in my house, and then moving along with all of the fullness in my life.

On Juggling, Transitions, and Not Liking Either

On Christmas morning, Jonas nearly dove under the tree to retrieve a very strangely shaped present.

"This one has been bugging me," he said. "I have to know what it is."

It turned out to be a juggling set; three red balls and an instruction booklet to walk him through it step-by-step. Judging by the look on his face, it wasn't the best gift he'd ever received. Maybe not even the thousandth best. That was kind of a bummer because I really thought he'd get into it. He'd mentioned juggling a few times before and always gets a kick out of watching Ian juggle. Well, out of watching Ian juggle and then drop stuff all over the floor.


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