Originally posted to Livejournal September 29, 2009

The first person to bring up wearing a sport bra after Christopher Robin's delivery to discourage milk production was our perinatologist.  As soon as she said it, however, I was thinking about breast milk donation and wondering how much it would cost to rent a good Medela for a couple of months.  I brought it up with Ian to make sure that having my body go through the motions of making milk for a baby that wasn't ours was going to be okay for him to handle, and we decided to leave it up to my milk supply.  If it came in, I would pump what I could and see if we'd get enough for donation. 

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with boobs of lead and did some research into milk banking and pump rentals.  I got a hold of a lactation consultant at the hospital and she put me in touch with the pump rental folks.  By late afternoon I was pumping, but was already pretty engorged so getting a productive letdown wasn't really happening.  I think my ducts are clogged, since I know I've got more in there than I'm getting during each pumping session.  I've been following all the advice I can find to try and unclog, and we'll see what happens.  So far, I only have a few ounces stored in the freezer.  I hope that I get a really good letdown soon, otherwise I fear that I'll never get this milk out and waste what could give a precious baby what it needs to survive.

I'll admit that I am trying really hard to be a good person to fight the insatiable guilt that makes me hate myself for losing my baby, and for talking Ian into making a baby with me that my body couldn't carry after all. If I can turn Christopher Robin's loss into something positive and help a baby in need, I've got to give it a shot.   And selfishly, this is something that is helping me continue taking care of myself as well as I was when I was pregnant.  Physically, anyway.  Otherwise, I'd find myself drowning in the bottom of a bottle of tequila, and my life would really go sideways then.

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lyttle green said:

i'm blown away by your bravery & generosity. you should be so proud of yourself.
i rally understand the feelings of guilt & hating yourself for losing your baby. i feel the same way. it's very difficult to process. i think what you are doing is amazing & i hope it helps you.xx

celeste noelani said:

Thank you so much. It definitely was a tough time, and pumping wasn't easy. It was beneficial, but difficult. It's been nearly four years (4th anniversary in September) but it hardly seems half that long ago.

Thanks again for your comment.