Originally posted to Livejournal September 29, 2009
The first person to bring up wearing a sport bra after Christopher Robin's delivery to discourage milk production was our perinatologist. As soon as she said it, however, I was thinking about breast milk donation and wondering how much it would cost to rent a good Medela for a couple of months. I brought it up with Ian to make sure that having my body go through the motions of making milk for a baby that wasn't ours was going to be okay for him to handle, and we decided to leave it up to my milk supply. If it came in, I would pump what I could and see if we'd get enough for donation.
Well, I woke up yesterday morning with boobs of lead and did some research into milk banking and pump rentals. I got a hold of a lactation consultant at the hospital and she put me in touch with the pump rental folks. By late afternoon I was pumping, but was already pretty engorged so getting a productive letdown wasn't really happening. I think my ducts are clogged, since I know I've got more in there than I'm getting during each pumping session. I've been following all the advice I can find to try and unclog, and we'll see what happens. So far, I only have a few ounces stored in the freezer. I hope that I get a really good letdown soon, otherwise I fear that I'll never get this milk out and waste what could give a precious baby what it needs to survive.
I'll admit that I am trying really hard to be a good person to fight the insatiable guilt that makes me hate myself for losing my baby, and for talking Ian into making a baby with me that my body couldn't carry after all. If I can turn Christopher Robin's loss into something positive and help a baby in need, I've got to give it a shot. And selfishly, this is something that is helping me continue taking care of myself as well as I was when I was pregnant. Physically, anyway. Otherwise, I'd find myself drowning in the bottom of a bottle of tequila, and my life would really go sideways then.
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